alright,? so firstly,? im mostly writing this just to get it out. no one to talk to at the moment so ill just type til i feel better.? this "story" is about a girl named jenni. i first met jenni when i was 15 through a mutual friend.? im now going on 22.? for a while, we would just talk on AIM (you member those days)? ever since i even just started having conversations with this girl, i could feel something about her.? shes about 2 years older than me, and has always been gorgeous.? now the connection between us is very strong, but also very complicated.?
over the past 6 or 7 years, we've talked on and off. usually we'll go a few months without talking at all, then see eachother once or twice, and then repeat the cycle.? the past couple years it has even been less frequent. maybe only once.? even with all the distance, not hearing her voice, or? not even reading a text or email for months at a time, i wake up nearly everyday with her on my mind.? when i get close to her, i can just feel the energy. we vibe really well together.? i have never encountered a connection on this level with another girl.? i would do anything for her.? more then once, i have gotten out of bed at 3 or 4 in the morning just to drive 30 miles to her when she's had anxiety attacks only to leave 20 minutes later when she calms down.? we're both prone to anxiety although recently i have overcome mine through meditation. through the years, i have ALWAYS been there for her when she needed or wanted me.? but its always been totally one sided. meaning she's never been there for me.
ive always liked to think of myself as a very rational (science oriented) guy.? things always have to agree with my logic. except jenni.? ? i really wish i could forget about her sometimes.? i know that my life would be SO much easier without her in the picture.? but i can never do it. i always come back. and i know thats part of the problem, but i cant help it. im just so in love with this girl.? another funny thing is that when im not around her, and i really think it out, i dont think the relationship would work out even if we gave it a try.? just because since we met, we've become very different people. the love is still there though.? maybe even stronger than ever.? it just wouldnt work in a practicle day to day sense.
i have only had sex with this girl 3 times, and the first two times weren't even enjoyable for me.? i would get it in, spend maybe 5 or 10 minutes getting warmed up, then she'd come and push me off.? however the last time (2 months ago the last time i saw her) it was totally different and amazing.? it was more than sex. connection on such a deep level(pun intended) and it was bomb physically too. i got a good 45 minutes before i came and stopped. (she had already got off a few times)? now i suppose i should give a little background on what happened before this occasion.?
in 09 she had just moved back to LA from NY and she came to see me.? shes always been a prude, and i had never gotten furthur then making out with her. even feeling her up too hard with clothes on was not cool.? this time she came over, we went to the beach, came home, and she gets naked and fucks me.? a surprise to say the least.? She gave me the "i want you inside me" she spent the night and it was great. i was on the clouds. about two weeks later my father passed away from a drinking accident (his blood alc. level got so high his blood crystalized from the sugar and lack of food intake) and when i needed her the most, she dissapeared. it was really devastating to me because we were really close. i worked with him everyday. he was my best friend,? this really hurt me on both counts.? i went about a year before i would talk to her again.
in 2010 almost exactly a year later she came over to my new place, i had since moved out to long beach.? she came over at like 5 AM or something and we just had sex and layed around for a while. i could lay down next to her for days.? i was talking about how i wanted to see her more this time and she couldnt dissappear again on me. she starts acting really wierd and wouldn't tell me what it is. she'd say i wanna tell you something but i cant.? i kept bugging her and she said she was moving to mexico to live with her aunt.? i wasnt feelin this and the mood changed like a light switch. this was what i feared. she always come back into my life bringing lots of love and joy for me, only to take it away faster then it came. we went from cuddling and playing with eachothers hair, to me sitting on the other side of the bed staring out the window not saying anything.? i actually picked her up, and even called into work and made up an excuse to come in late so i could spend a few more hours with her.? she could tell i wanted her gone, so she asked for me to take her home, but i made her call her sister to pick her up.? she leaves and we basically left off like we wouldnt be seeing eachother again.? later i get a text from her.
during the entire time ive known her, she's had this crazy ex that she would get back with off and on, but would always talk about how much she hated him.? the text reads,
"me and james are engaged now.? he has a tattoo shop in long beach and im moving in with him. i just wanted to see you one last time. maybe ill run into you sometime."
" i truley hope i never see you again" - me
i was able to kind of get over her through anger for a while, but eventually that faded away back to the way things always were. me missing her.? when we would stop talking, i would always delete everything of hers so i couldn't contact her. as this was the only way, being that i didnt have the self control not to.? however, in june this summer, i had a dream about her, and had to get back in touch. after alot of searching, i found an old email i sent her with her email address.? i asked her how the wedding was. she said they split for good, and she wanted to contact me sooner, but that i deserve better. which i probably do.? she always says the reason she distances herself is because she cares about me and doesnt want to hurt me.? a little late.? i know everyone is going to say,? dont go running back you stupid puppy dog. she causes you more pain than pleasure.
and i must agree with you all, but i just cant. shes like my curse.? fuckin jenni man......
i can really relate to forest when i think about her.
feel free to share any input. especially the ladies, as maybe ,just maybe* one of you lovely shroomerite females can help me to understand whats going on in her head.? i would still jump at the chance to be in a relationship with her just so i can stop wondering what if.? to me thats more painful than having and loosing her.
thanks for making it through this long ass life story if you have.
good vibes to all? 
Luc1d 
withoutawire 
Mr.PhilCybin 
No comments:
Post a Comment
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.