Porn, Relationships, and Communication ? Alexandria

July 22, 2011 by lgazissax

Ah, another, ?What kind of a controlling woman won?t let her husband or boy friend masturbate?? Internet debate. Porn neutral Hugo is in this case holding down the less porn friendly side of the argument, and getting heat for that from a bunch of commenters, as well as Dan Savage.

Now, in my own marriage, discussions about porn have gone something like this:

Lynn: Hey, Joel, how come we now have a porn site as the home page on our browser?

Joel: Oh, that computer got hit by a virus.

Lynn (after digging around in the registry, nailing that virus, and fixing the browser search page back to using Google rather than a special search engine for online gambling): OK, fixed it.

So, as you can see, we?re nowhere close to a deal breaker conflict here. But, though porn?s not an area of conflict in my own marriage, I do have strong feelings about the question, ?Is it OK for someone to ask for a porn-free relationship??

Is it OK to ask? Darn right it is. People have many reasons not to want their partners looking at porn (according to some possible definition of ?porn,? depending on the reason for concern).

1. Perhaps your view of sex is that it belongs in an ongoing relationship (or at least a mutually pleasurable one), rather than being done for money. Commercial porn videos generally involve people having sex they might not otherwise have had, with people they might not otherwise have had sex with, for money.
2. Perhaps you believe that people working in the porn industry are exploited.
3. Perhaps it?s not porn in itself that bothers you, but the specific kind of porn watched. For instance, the authors of a Billion Wicked Thoughts, in their blog, talk about finding varieties of Internet porn that include ?hypnotism porn (where Svengalis hypnotize woman into having sex), drunk porn (where men trick inebriated women into having sex), sleep porn (where men take advantage of sleeping women), and a wide diversity of exploitation porn (where women exchange sexual favors for school books, a ride, or a rent-free apartment).? If coercion fantasies make your skin crawl and your stomach turn, are you entitled to ask not to sleep with someone whose favorite fantasies turn out to be coercion fantasies?
4. Perhaps your view of fidelity includes not masturbating while looking at other naked people.
5. Perhaps you belong to a faith that frowns on porn.
6. Perhaps you?re fine with porn in principle, but not with the way it?s playing out in your particular relationship. Your partner says it has nothing to do with you, but you?re noticing a difference in your life or in your bedroom, and it?s not a positive one.

Now, none of us would agree with all of these views (can?t agree with all of them, in fact, since I made some of them opposed to porn in principle and some of them not). Some of my readers may think at least one of these views to be silly. But does it really make sense to say all of these people should just shut up about their objections? Some of these views are matters of fundamental values, and it should be perfectly acceptable for ?doesn?t share my fundamental values? to be a deal breaker in a romantic relationship, whether that means ?I only want to date people who share my faith? or ?I refuse to date anyone who would cross a union picket line.?

So the question, to my mind, isn?t whether people are entitled to ask for a porn-free relationship, so much as how they?re entitled to ask. Or how they?d be wise to ask.

1. If you want something, go ahead, speak up, ask. But if you didn?t make your desires clear, early on, don?t be surprised if your partner?s behavior turns out not to match your desires.
2. Realistically, if you?re asking for something that your partner isn?t likely to consider standard, the onus is on you to speak up. Also, realistically, ?standard? is a matter of what?s common and expected, rather than what you think should be expected. For instance, in heterosexual marriages, engagements, and living together relationships, monogamy comes standard. If you want to argue that the onus is on people who expect monogamy to make that clear, you?re not being realistic. But also, unless you move in particular religious circles that frown on porn, in heterosexual relationships in the US today, porn use comes standard. If you don?t want your partner using porn at all, and it?s a deal breaker for you, you need to make that clear early. (I am not saying porn-friendly monogamy should be standard, here, just that it looks to me to be what is the norm here and now for most straight couples, whether you like it or not. Feel free to argue for different attitudes, but realize you?ll have to do a bit of looking to find a partner who shaOn the other hand, maybe if you live in the Bible belt rather than California, your mileage may vary.)
3. On the other hand, just because you didn?t object absolutely in principle up front doesn?t mean you may not find out later that your particular partner?s porn use is not playing out in a way that feels OK to you.
4. You don?t want to give up porn, and don?t think your partner?s reasonable to ask it? Fine, say so, and the two of you can have that argument. But lying about whether you use porn is not cool.
5. Supervising and enforcing your partner?s porn non-use is also not cool. If you?re to that point, maybe it?s a sign that this deal breaker means the deal needs to be broken.
6. No matter how right you are, you have limited ability to change another person. The goal should be to start out with someone you?re capable of reaching an understanding with, and then sorting out your inevitable differences, not picking someone you find wildly attractive but who agrees with you on nothing and trying to change that person. Don?t pick someone who?s your polar opposite in attitudes toward porn and try to change that, because you will fail. Pick someone who has some common ground with you, and then sort out your remaining disagreements, whatever they are, together.

Posted in Family, Lynn Gazis-Sax, Sex | Tagged marriage, porn, pornography | 4 Comments

Source: http://aleksandreia.wordpress.com/2011/07/22/porn-relationships-and-communication/

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